"You'll be glad everything is back to normal" or What (not) to say to the parent of a neurodiverse child this week

I am pleased we are into the first proper week of January 2025, as all 3 children are now back at school or nursery. The long midwinter festive holidays in the UK are a challenge for neurodiverse children and their families.

After being hyped up from every angle for over a month, the festive break is 2 weeks of front-loaded intense activity followed by an inevitable lengthy come-down and a long wait to return to “normality”. To add to the challenge, someone, if not everyone, in the household gets sick every year without fail either in the run-up or during the holidays, because it’s the middle of winter and germs are rife.

We did what worked for us, and had a pleasant enough break, but I am going to try to be a bit more vocal this year about what accommodating neurodiversity means in real life. I am relieved the children are back to school and nursery but it certainly isn’t a case of “first day back and everything is normal again.” There is a transition out of the higgledy-piggledy weeks and back into coping with structures that are, ultimately, put in place by a society that has not been built by neurodiverse people.

Since officially* becoming a parent of an autistic child I have had to relearn what I thought I knew and understood autism to be. In the process, I have discovered a few things that really annoy me. Let’s start with, “We're all on the spectrum somewhere.” No, we aren't. The spectrum most of us sit within is that of neurotypicality, unless we meet the specific diagnostic criteria for autism. If we were all on the spectrum somewhere, then the world would be set up to accommodate neurodiversity. It is not. From their birth onwards, parents and carers of neurodiverse children, both unconsciously and mindfully, build in accommodations and adaptations to enable their children to cope and thrive in a neurotypical world.

I am sure that other parents and carers of neurodiverse children will be able to contribute phrases that people may think are helpful to say, but really aren't. But let’s concentrate on what really is supportive and useful. The most welcome comment I have had when I shared news of a formal diagnosis was, “Is there anything we should know or can do to make things easier?” I would really like to read about good experiences and phrases other parents have found helpful; we can all be better at this.

*Solidarity to those who are still sitting on a waiting list or fighting for assessment.